Men Don't Listen and Wayne L. Misner 2023©    


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(By Wayne L. Misner,

  After suffering the failure of my own marriage, I wanted to understand where we both went wrong and see if my writing about it may help other couples who are about to take the big step. We were supposed to stay married till one of us died. I never even had a fever. I have been asked what the definition of divorce is; I believe it is the future tense of marriage. About half of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds. The other half ended in death. My credit card was stolen, but I decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than my wife did. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. One thing I do know, the secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I knew I was in trouble when my wife and I were dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and I was staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sat alone at a nearby table. Finally my wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" said my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" We married for better or worse - she couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse. I got the divorce papers in the mail. I always felt I was a little bit of a failure in life, but now I had the actual paper work to prove it! I have talked with a number of men who have asked: "Is it true, what I heard that in some countries, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" I replied that happens in most countries.

I was told to try and work it out and maybe things could be different. I called Marybeth and said, "Honey, why don’t we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and make mad passionate love?" "Over my dead body!" she answered. All I could say was "You haven’t changed a bit"

  My first mistake was never checking her driver’s license. Only after we married did I see her license where the box marked sex had an ‘F’, meaning she failed. Now I read where scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called, Wedding Cake.

  Being open minded and wanting to see what she felt may be our problem, I asked her and she replied, I took up astrology and we’re incompatible.  She said, “I'm a Virgo and you’re an asshole." So why do so many divorced men get married again? Answer: Bad memory. We lived in a two-story house. One story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

  I met with a lawyer and demanded to know why divorce is so expensive? He said, “Because it's worth it”. The judge agreed with my ex-wife and split the house. I got the outside. Now she becomes the excellent “housekeeper”. We get a divorce, she keeps the house. Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I do understand why men die before their wives, because they want to! It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seems longer. I told her, "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me". She replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

  So I end with this last thought for you to think about: My ex-wife has promised to dance on my grave. So I have arranged for a burial at sea.