Men Don't Listen and Wayne L. Misner 2021©    


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My Gym Membership

(By Wayne L. Misner,

 I joined the fitness center here to try to get in shape. I had always felt I was in shape. Round is a shape. They offered me free membership for life if I posed for a 'don't let this happen to you' poster. First Joe the director of the gym must show you how to use the exercise equipment correctly. He gets you on each machine and tells you what parts of the body that exercise will help. I really believe that he makes up names, like this machine builds up your deltoids. I thought deltoids were what the Doctor removes when you can’t sit right. Now that I’ve been going for awhile I exercise religiously. I do one sit-up and then I say, "Amen!"

The gym is full of all kinds of people always asking each other what part of the bodies they're working out on that day. 'What are you working on today?' 'Back & legs’. What are you working on?' 'Butt & thighs.' Then they ask me, 'What are you working on today?' I said, 'Childhood issues.'

My Personal Trainer is Janice. I asked her could she define my abs. She said, “Yes, full term”. I want to get a six-pack I said, she said, “You already have a keg!” I asked her what I could do for my body, and she said, "Schedule it for demolition." She then checked me for a body fat analysis using her calculator and said she had to divide the number by 2 and still came out with same answer, both of me was fat. I bought a tread mill for home, but I haven't used it yet. I haven't been able to tear that carton open. However I don't use the treadmill at the gym anymore. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

 I really hope this place has liability insurance. I don’t want to complain or get anyone in trouble but those people riding the stationery bikes are not wearing helmets. The other problem is one of the guys going to the gym is a cop. I don’t want to get on the bike because he could give me a DUI ticket that I can’t afford. I am getting really good on the bike. I show off a little bit every once in awhile by taking my hands off the handle bar and saying out loud that everyone can hear, “look no hands”. That was a big step for me considering they only removed the training wheels off the stationery bike two days ago. The next machine the trainers want me to use is the respirator.

I tried the rowing machine but hurt my back putting it in and out of the pool. Don’t laugh I almost fell off it and drowned. And don’t even get me started about all those weights. I don’t have any idea why they purchased only heavy ones. My idea of weight lifting is standing up. Someone should tell those guys that have no necks that they can stop lifting. Now I’m going to start on a diet but I can’t seem to find vegetarian animal meat.

I finally figured out why things are wrong. You see all my friends are good looking and in shape. I always felt I’m an outsider. So what I’m going to do is get uglier fat friends. Then they will be the outsider. There's nothing like getting up at 5 A.M, jogging to the center here, and then taking an ice-cold shower. There's nothing like it, so I don't do it. Actually the only reason I took up jogging in the first place was that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Yes, I may be a fool working out here every day, but I believe it is healthier than how many people get their exercise by jumping to conclusions, dodging responsibilities, bending the rules, running down everything, and circulating rumors. Yes, I will be lying in the coffin and everyone will be looking down at me and will be saying, “He’s never looked in better shape”.